This is hero's koko here penning an entry on this little blog. Living in a city, cheche and I would often bring hero to dog parks all over the vicinity of town. Be it in a wealthy neighborhood enclave on the upper side of town or the crowded public parks littered with plastic bottles and sun-dried poos. No matter where we go to in this city, the mixture of dogs and their hoomans are just the same everywhere. With this in mind, I would like to present an anthropological study of the 10 dog breeds based on our observation of the stereotypes at dog parks.
The Fashionista Dog
Scientific Name: Blinkus Divanus
Species Behaviour: Dressed to the nines irrespective of occasion or the scorching sun.
Responsive Call: Here sweetie, let mommy look at you!
Breed Info: The fashionista dog is usually a small breed female, and most likely is the only dog in the family. They are most often the attraction at the park with their little bodies wrapped in the latest fashion from Dogue where curious onlookers would stop to have a look or snap a picture. In recent years, perhaps due to the side effect of global warming on hooman sanity, the fashionista dog remains as colorful as a rainbow, but minus the layer of clothing.
The Sniffer Dog
Scientific Name: Non-Stoppus Sniffus
Species Behaviour: Most busy with it’s perpetual sniffing of everything in sight, seldom hold up its head for more than 3 seconds.
Responsive Call: easy!.. Easy!.. EEEASY!
Always staying ahead of its hooman With the hooman always struggling to keep pace, this busy bee breed is the most attentively engaged dog at the park as no peemails are left unread. Drainage holes, scattered poos, rubbish bins, or even stranger's groin do not escape the wet nose therapy of this breed. Sometimes, in a blur of non-stop sniffing action, the sniffer dog does not has any recollection of a dog park visit upon reaching home.
The Chauffeured Dog
Scientific Name: Tricyclus Bikus
Species Behaviour: Nonchalantly riding on a push stroller or a trailer behind the hooman’s bicycle.
Responsive Call: You alright back there, honey?
Breed Info: Going to the dog park for this breed is no different than sitting in front of a fan at home except for the
dust intake quotient change in scenery. Studies have shown that the symbiotic relation of the chauffeured dog and its hooman is still evolving as most often the dog's drinking water is totally consumed by the panting hooman at the end of each visit to the dog park.
The Infantry Dog
Scientific Name: Obedientus Maximulus
Species Behaviour: Always walking within a whisker of the hooman, looking tense and waiting for the next command.
Responsive Call: HEAL! STAY! SIT!
Breed Info: Whilst onlookers may admire their showmanship, the infantry dogs show infallible pack order with their hoomans and would make any Caesar Millan wannabe proud. It's normal to see a treat pouch strapped to the waist of the hooman who constantly has his sight set on the infantry dog as god forbid should the dog move out of line momentarily. With this pair, barking is normally done by the hooman.
The Hand Held Dog
Scientific Name: Canis Mobilitus
Species Behaviour: Curled up on the hooman’s arm with groggy eyes oblivious to its surroundings.
Responsive Call: Are you tire? Wanna go back inside mommy’s bag?
Breed Info: Often thought as a close cousin of the chauffeured dog, over the years, the hand held dog has evolved from low land mammal to higher ground vegetation. Dog parks may not be the natural habitat for this small breed who is more at ease sleeping inside a designer pooch bag whilst her hooman sips afternoon tea at swanky cafes. Dog park sightings of this breed is extremely rare save for the few appearances mainly due to the hoomans getting hopelessly lost.
The Marker Dog
Scientific Name: Peeis Everywolus
Species Behaviour: Lifting its hind leg every 5 seconds to sprout pee on all things standing.
Responsive Call: Oops, sorry about that!
Breed Info: A distant relative to busy bee sniffer dog, you can always spot a marker dog from far as he zig zag across the walk way shooting pee at lamp posts, dustbins or sometimes innocent bystanders. Experience visitors to the park would know of the dog presence by recognizing hooman shrieks from afar. The trick to avoid being baptise by a marker dog is to stay clear of his way or keep moving and never stand still under any circumstances.
The Napoleon Pack
Scientific Name: Safetus Numerus
Species Behaviour: Normally seen in numbers and mostly are small breeds that would never loiter far from the pack.
Responsive Call: Come back here, baby!
Breed Info: Do not be fooled by the size of this breed, together in a group, these small dogs can unleash the most insane, merciless flash mob bark. Membership to this pack is exclusive but fashionista dog usually have direct entry to the group whilst other breeds may need to wait for tribal approval, which meets regularly under the shaded trees at the park. Big breeds are automatically banned for life.
The ESPN Dog
Scientific Name: Energisus Bunnicus
Species Behaviour: Sprinting to and forth retrieving tennis balls or frisbees religiously without a break.
Responsive Call: Go fetch!
Breed Info: This is a breed where you would not want to be caught in his path to a moving object. This breed can strive best in pockets of open area at the park, which they are normally found. Usually can be seen zooming around the park, but there are reported cases of children's play toys or balls going missing in their presence. Hoomans are known to get skin abrasion or pulled muscle due to the espn dog reflex on seeing a stray tennis ball.
The Humper Dog
Scientific Name: Gigantus Testosteronus
Species Behaviour: Trying to mate with every dog in sight or any visually similar objects.
Responsive Call: What are you doing? Not AGAIN! Stop it!
Breed Info: Usually is the only male dog in the family, the humper dog exhibits strong amorous disposition towards any breathing object. When this breed is not humping on unsuspecting bitch, he is often seen in an upright position against the hooman's legs or tree trunks. Suspicion is high that water pools set-up at dog parks are actually meant for humper dogs to get cold shower treatment to keep their addiction under control.
The Lost Dog
Scientific Name: Canis Cluelessus
Species Behaviour: Appears out of nowhere and disappears into the crowd only to re-appears when least expected.
Responsive Call: No known results as of today.
Breed Info: This specie can be found at almost all the dog parks and it comes in all sizes. The scientific community is still looking for an answer to this specie and its origin remains a mystery but mostly thought it could be one of Jesse James's dogs.
As for hero, I hate to admit it, he is probably a cross between a sniffer and a marker dog, as he does inherit all the traits that would make any trip to the dog park a potentially embarrassing affair. Do tell what type of breed are you at the dog park, or are these breeds indigenous only to this part of the world? Is there any undiscovered specie out there you may like to share? It's a jungle out there, ain't it.